That awkward moment where your wearing Nikes but you can't do it!

Just made me smile...

I wanted to hire a car for the south but was advised against it by YHA staff suggesting forecast snow may make lone driving difficult beyond Franz Josef (this proved later to be the wrong advice). Reluctantly I opt for the public transport option. You purchase coach time and plan your trip/route accordingly. The service is very good and amazingly efficient but it limits your flexibility and I find myself pining for freedom, often with my nose longingly pressed to the glass. 

The views on the journey to Queenstown are stunning. I regret not stopping off at Wanaka, a picture perfect little town we pass through set on a lake. The scenery in the south is natures perfection. New Zealand is like that, it leaves you full of regret because it's all so beautiful, but on such a tight (and what I now realise ridiculous) schedule AND budget I must stay focused.

The gorgeous Queenstown

I'd seriously struggled to get accommodation in Queenstown and trawled the net for hours to land the 'best of the budget remnants', it's so busy with the ski season starting, and as we arrive into town I'm overwhelmed....it's heaving, a romantic young lovers winter wonderland ....ahhh man, my heart feels heavy - I can feel inside this is going to be tough going emotionally.

I'm not feeling great, I'm in low spirits on arrival and decide uncharacteristically to head out on a mission....a mission to get kin' drunk! I find a bar and the pleasant young hippy barman tells me I've arrived on the first day of the Queenstown Winter Festival (a sort of official opening for the ski season) spanning the forthcoming weekend and it was going to get VERY lively! It's 6pm and I've now consumed two pints of  6.5% 'EPIC' craft beer and my mission is complete (I can't drink anymore) - getting drunk is so cheap and easy these days! I head home and start researching things I can do the following day. I need something to shake me back to life and with the booze falsely heightening my confidence I feel I can take on the world asking "what ya got for me Queenstown?". In a moment of what I can only describe as drunken insanity I book a bungy jump...A KIN BUNGY JUMP FFS! After a few hours the alcohol is leaving my bloodstream, as was the colour in my face along with my drink fuelled bravery ....and I ask myself "what've you done now you crazy *ucker!" ...it's about then panic sweeps through my body and the nervous tense countdown begins.

I can understand why no one wanted room No. 10 in the Haka Lodge hostel. It's right next to the entrance doors. They give you a code as they lock up at eight. As you can imagine, a steady stream of drunken travellers return from the festivities between 11pm and 2am all having forgotten the code and banging to gain attention from the unmanned reception. A German guy decides to use my entrance door as the communication point for his calls back home....hours and hours of constant drone.....then to finish me off the couple in the room above embark on an early morning marathon sex section. I'm in hell. I put my earphones in wishing it all would come to an end but even on full volume, practically bursting my own eardrums I couldn't drown out the wannabe porn stars excitable bumping, slaps, moans and screams....Jesus I've had better evenings!

I wake groggy from the night of constant disturbance realising I've got to jump off a kin bridge today ....attached to a piece of elastic ...'oh lord help me', I need saving from myself I'm thinking. The moral of the story: DO NOT DRINK ALONE and then believe you can make rational decisions - you cannot, you just make TWATTY ones!!

So what do you do in these situations - I try to cancel it of course, but no way are they having any of it. "I'm sorry mam it's in the small print - No refunds" I'm politely told ...and my fate is sealed.....

 Limited options!!

I don't jump until 3pm and the tension is mounting up. I check in and can barely breath in rhythm, every breath laboured. Everyone in the group is at least 20 years my junior and has spectator support or friends to draw confidence from. I'm alone and struggling to mentally rationalise the situation into something palatable ....and to stop myself hyperventilating. Looking down at number 68 marker penned onto my hand we're led to the bridge. My legs are physically quivering like jelly...uhh it's unbearable. I see a young girl dive off releasing a spontaneous ear curdling scream and fear tears through my body, I let out a warbling panic stricken sigh. There are two young lads ahead of me, they're pumped up and nervously pacing and twitching. I express my fear to the organiser and the boys overhear. "Do you want to go before us lady?" they ask seeing my meltdown nearing hysteria. They were really lovely saying: "go on just get it out the way, just don't look down lady, you'll be rite!" In literally a snap decision I go for it. I sit on the ledge and watch them wrap a navy blue towel around my ankles then wrap the harness around the towel and fix to the bungy with a simple 'G' clamp.... it's crude and doesn't feel substantial enough. I ask the crew if they've done this before? Stupid question right....they burst out laughing! My heart is physically ripping itself out of my chest. They stand me on the ledge and ask me to shuffle my toes over the edge. I have NEVER been so PETRIFIED in all my life and no words of comfort from the 'inner self' or amazing crew could console me....I was screaming inside to 'stop the effin world I need to get off' but somehow with blind faith and every last drop of courage I can rinse from my body I bend my knees and leap ....OH MY GOD! the world stopped....... it all turned silent, like a lonely fall into a blue sky abyss... free falling twisting, disoriented and a human swinging pendulum - the feeling ineffable. It's hands down and without doubt the most physically terrifying experience of my entire 43 years on this planet!

 I'm only smiling because I was told to!

This is the famous Kawarau Bridge site. The first ever established bunny jump site in the world created by AJ Hackett in 1988.

I was told once you've jump it gets easier - it doesn't (the toughest part is fighting the bodies natural resistance), that 'you'll feel liberated and ecstatic once you've done it' - I didn't. I was numb with shock shaking for hours and know I will have reoccurring nightmares for years to come about standing on that ledge....holy moly I'll not forget that experience - NEVER EVER!

I take a trip to Milford Sound, south of Queenstown. Milford Sound is an ice carved fiord formed by a giant glacier (up to 200m deep) grinding its way into the sea, creating a sheer sided valley. The glacier eventually melted, the sea flooded in and Milford sound was created. It's a very beautiful setting. I did a cruise which was nice, but the whole area and set up was a bit too touristy for my liking.

It's my last day in Queenstown and it has managed to win over my affections - no contest really. The atmosphere of the town and all the festivities is extremely cosy and uplifting. The past week has changed my view again of New Zealand, I get it now. Beside the stunning natural environment, the innocence of the country is for me its outstanding feature. A pleasant, un-evolved, simplistic, completely trusting and honest culture right through from a little bird to human. If i consider my idea of a perfect approach to life, Kiwi's have got it. They're not bogged down with drama and negativity and their general outlook on life is genuinely positive. I don't believe it's a choice thing, I don't believe they know any different, they've just not experienced the drudgery of the rest of the world. It's a breath of fresh air. 

On the skyline gondola

On the ski lift to go on the Luge. I was like a demon....no way was I letting anyone pass me...not even children! They did try but i was having none of it...look at me i'm happy and totally victorious!!

I received a meal as part of the organised afternoon. A Sunday roast...WOW my first taste of a cooked dinner, and real meat in five months....it was heaven....and devoured!

The festival fireworks....the atmosphere was great. I can still smell it. 

New Zealand has been the toughest trip of all in terms of loneliness and I think it's because it's beauty is destined to be shared. Most of my time is spent being invisible. The younger generation generally don't see you at all with many making no effort to communicate whatsoever. I'm used to being alone so can handle this but on my last afternoon in Queenstown a young Australian lad (Jack) bounds into the communal kitchen at the hostel in his psychedelic baggy pants, strikingly blue eyes, youthful skin, gorgeous infectious smile (that makes you smile reactively) long curly brown hair tamed by a beanie, he's 18 years old. He opens "Gooday how's it going?" I'm surprised as he perches on the end of my table bench and launches into a full conversation with me. This lad was bursting with life, enthused and driven by a taste of independence and freedom. He's an apprentice carpenter/plasterer from Brisbane and on his first backpacker experience with his girlfriend. I was so proud of this lad. Our conversation was nothing much, (and he has no idea the impact this had) but his manners, respectful and unperturbed approach to me changed the course of my day. He literally breathed life into me. We forget how important communication is ....so just remember, your simple (genuine) smile CAN change a persons day, speaking to someone (just a few words) CAN change their thoughts at the cost of just a few given moments of time, and your kindness CAN change the course of their life. It's these precious heart warming moments I treasure and make every lonely heartbeat all worthwhile.

Lake Pukaki

I know the pics look the same...they're not of course, but I've included them as they're memories I want to hold.

Kea View Point, Mount Cook

My view of New Zealand had been changing with each passing day and no matter where I've been on my travels over the past five months, things always seem to get better and better even when you genuinely believe they can't. Today my visit to Mount Cook sky rocketed New Zealand into my top three favourites. This place did something indescribable to me, an instant powerful and overpowering connection. It stripped me of my western, suspicious and cynical mentality in my first stride and took me to a natural, calm almost spiritual state (whatever that means). I walked for two hours along a simple wooden path with towering, insanely beautiful nature surrounding me. I felt so small, so humbled by it's power and dominance, it was as if my heart physically burst open....and those few precious hours of solitude in these surroundings changed everything..... 

White feather clouds hovering above the mountains

Lake Takapo

I arrive in Christchurch after dark. It's about a 10minute walk to my hostel, a couple of minutes in I hit a city centre street littered with intoxicated homeless people, it's like a street party. They are staggering like zombies or collapsed in shop doorways completely out of it. It's like a scene from that film 'Shaun of the Dead'. I weave through the stiffened awkward bodies, one thrusting his face and stale alcohol breath into mine saying "spare any change maaaam" it was extremely intimidating and the 'menacing' vibe here was very different to the festive, romantic Queenstown I'd left this morning.  I become aware of footsteps behind me getting closer, almost scurrying in the dark shadows behind me. I always keep my wits about me like this and use the persons shadow to judge distance, often stopping to allow someone too close to pass, but I wanted to get to the hostel and to safety. It goes on for a little while and the shape gets taller and more intimidating as I take faster strides. Enough now i think, I stop dead and turn on my heels to nothing? ...As I lower my head I'm met by the startled gaze of a little scrawny girl (under 5ft at my feet) about 16, wide eyed looking up at me. I realise immediately what's going on "Are you going to the YHA Hostel?" I ask her "yes", she timidly nods with fearful enthusiasm....and continues: "I got scared by those people, the driver said I should follow you, but your quick and I couldn't keep up!" I put my hand on her shoulder in relief, and say "ahhh bless ya, c'mon we'll walk together at your pace". I never admitted how much she fit me up or that I was scared too by the street antics.....well sometimes you've just got to offer your fellow man a free ride on your backbone, allowing them to believe in you, it strangely helps you find inner courage (a sort of protective instinct) in that moment.

Christchurch was broken by a major earthquake back in 2011 which claimed 288 lives. Damage is still evident and the city is undergoing major renovation and restoration. The people's approach is positive but It's sad to see the harsh effects of a natural disaster like this. It has a vibe of an eastern country ravished by war. It's an unimaginative town in terms of buildings I'm not keen on it. With only a few hours before my flight I visit the botanical gardens and catch the charmingly ancient tram for a whistle stop tour of the town. Condemned and buildings awaiting demolition are everywhere and existing heritage sites are being 'propped up' awaiting funding for restoration. A makeshift shopping centre was formed temporarily after the quake from cargo containers. These are still in situ six years on and likely to remain now, it's quite cute to see. Knowing further quakes are expected rebuild strategies include deeper foundations, use of more steel and limiting build height to six storeys. It's admirable to see people essentially risking their lives bound by fierce loyalty to a city they love.

Christchurch Cathedral torn apart by the earthquake

The peace bell....they need to ring this bloody thing on that homeless street....see if it 'rings' some sense into them

Botanical Gardens - a blindfolded man making his way waist high through murky waters ...mmm is this an artists impression of my life i'm thinking?

I visited the art gallery in Christchurch....I mean c'mon seriously, isn't this just a multibeton job?!

Temporary shopping centre made from cargo containers.

Back in Auckland I take a trip out to Rotorua. It's a town built on land donated as part of the 'Fenton Agreement'. The town bemuses me when we arrive, it's like a sort of hillbilly town, noticeably full of overweight and unkempt locals with rotting teeth. They look and act like radioactive substance has made it's way into their water supply, or they're all addicted to crystal meth.....it was honestly really weird and creepy. 

The ground is full of geothermal activity in Rotorua, hot springs and geysers. The smell of sulphur is overwhelming and memories of an amazing trip to Iceland with Iain a few years back come flooding back. It's one of those moments when you realise the depth and enormity of the activity beneath our twinkle toes. 

A walk beside the lake.

Still and beautiful Rotorua Lake

I revisit the theatre on my last night for an amateur performance of 'E Kore Muri E Nokia (or simply Mo and Jess Kill Susie). I like the intimacy of the amateur productions. We are all seated in a square surrounding the cast (about 25 people), and it begins.......On the first sentence I realise my error.... its all in Te Rea Maori language...I can't understand a frickin' word of it...I can't leave as its such a small group, I don't know when to laugh so try to copy the audience and keep getting it wrong - it was a disaster ha ha ha.... an hour and 10 minutes of my life, gone and I can never get back!

Tomorrow I fly to Sydney where Owen lands to meet me the following day. I cannot describe in words the excitement to see my boy after five months apart......I'm soooo excited! So c'mon my little ray of teenage grumpy sunshine ....lets get this Australian adventure and party started!....see you soon with tales from 'The Twits' on tour xxx

Pinned to a toilet wall, I just liked it......

If there are no ups and downs in your life, it means your dead!

At this point i'm having mixed feelings about my time here. New Zealand is undeniably beautiful. It's like seeing the world before human habitation (i guess its as close as it gets, south island has only been inhabited by humans in the past 800 years), in its naturalist form. It grounds you in a weird way. The active volcanos and 300 earthquakes a day makes the formidable Mother Nature an ever present threatening force and New Zealander's will always have to tentatively live with its uncertainty and unpredictability. 

Through all my time out here most co travellers have selected New Zealand as their personal favourite and primed me with excitement and high expectation. It's amazing for sure, but I don't feel the expanse of it quite works for me (I know I'll have a lynch mob from the NZ Peoples Front for that statement). The scale of it means much of it is unreachable in many aspects and the expense of the country means even if you wanted you probably couldn't afford to see all you wanted to. (I'm just hanging in there on a 'revised' shoestring budget but i'm down to the wire and still got 10 days to go) This next comment could also be taken as an ignorant statement, but I have given it honest thought and the vastness all can get a bit 'same, same', for some reason I just can't connect with it. There I've said it, there'd be uproar if this ever went public but I'm only saying what I know others (consumed by trends) will have thought in honest and quiet moments. I promised honesty and have to remain true to myself and in this moment on 18th June, that's what i feel, but i know things can change...... 

I do love it and all the outdoor pursuits it has to offer but sub consciously It's all just a bit too perfect, clean, pristine, efficient, streamline and westernised I guess for me and I find myself pining for the carnage, mayhem, filth, stenches and cultures of Asia, which made me feel more alive inside. The jury's out for me...watch this space as they say... but I am very grateful for this experience.

I'm on the Interlander ferry which connects the north and south islands. I sit by the window enjoying the view and begin my research of my next destination, Picton in Queen Charlotte Sound. It's world famous for the fact that Captain Cook anchored his ship Endeavour at ship cove on five occasions in the 18th century (he got about that Cook fella!) joking aside this mans achievements are beyond admirable and being in the places he discovered brings the scale of he and his crews achievements into a very physical reality. 

I check my accommodation booking and immediately burst into laughter. In a tired state and clearly without concentrating (I booked it in hast purely based on rating and price) I've booked myself into the Tombstone Backpacker Hostel. I've no idea where my head was when I booked this but when checking their website, their proud strapline 'rest in peace' and coffin shaped entrance door leaves me fearful of the night ahead!

After 3 nights of no sleep I did rest in peace that night. My checkout was 10am ...my eyes opened at 9.40am! I slept through my alarm...wow what a shock that was...and i wouldn't have known anything about it if i WAS dead!

Picton is a lovely little town....I like it. It is a combination of an 'upperclass' members yacht club with expensive boats set on the beautiful harbour, an American sleepy superb (the buildings are very American), a seaside town like Brighton enveloped by a Scandinavian type pine tree, undulating mountainous setting.

There are great walks to every aspect of the town and making the most of my one night stay (and in an attempt to wear myself out to sleep) I manage to sneak in a hike to 'The Snout', I didn't quite make the tip, just to the Charlotte bay lookout as the sun was setting faster than my legs could place one foot in front of the other, but nevertheless a stunning 6 mile walk in complete solitude on the opposite side of the world....marvellous!

The Snout

I continue to struggle with the food in New Zealand. Ready prepared cafe sandwiches, pies and cakes are overflowing with greasy and unhealthy fillings. They make me feel sick, it's just too much. I ask for a plain croissant or muesli which isn't covered in jam (uhhh I shudder) and they look at me like I'm an alien visiting from Mars (remember what I said about the mentality here) I've decided the only way to control it is to cook and prepare my own food in advance. In true student fashion (I've even had some recipe ideas from Owen for multi day lasting pasta dishes, which bodes well for him cooking for us in Australia ha ha!) i head off to the supermarket and stock up on basics for my 3 night stay in my next destination Franz Josef.

I purchase my own little tupperware and make pasta with tuna, olives, beetroot for tea making enough for tomorrow's lunch :-)....I'm on it, like a tramp on a sandwich!

Simple breakfast for under £1....and a roaring fire to sit beside ....pretty good for YHA Hostel Standards!

A typical YHA kitchen....and my life now amounting to a little bag of belongings with my name, room and departure date.

I like the New Zealander's ethics in retaining their heritage. As part of their conservation programme they have fenced off acres of land and eradicated imported rodents (I.e rats, foxes, possums etc, ), purified the land and are reintroducing endangered native species of animals (i.e the non flying Kiwi birds) into these areas (I hope this works but I can't help but think of the Gotham story where they put a fence around the cuckoo to keep it in to make the king believe they were mad to avoid taxes....yes, yes I shouldn't mock I know) They are admirably precious about maintaining balance of their eco systems and import / export of food and livestock is strictly monitored. They took my walking shoes away at immigration to check for contaminants (seeds etc) and cleaned them. Additionally they don't allow export of un-sculptured native timbers (to discourage felling) or live muscles etc (to prevent other countries farming NZ produce). I very much respect their stance on this. 

I have a stop over in Nelson, just an evening to make a connection to Franz Josef. It's a gorgeous and quaint little town to the west of Picton. It's set inside the Nelson Vale, a naturally formed barrier which protects the town from the sea. They are clearly very religious, there are Vegas style chapels everywhere. It reminds me of 'little house on the prairie' (yes I'm showing my age, but I loved it). I regret not staying longer here and would have loved to have visited the National Park which from a distance is calling my name. But time constraints unfortunately mean sacrifices ...I feel inside I'll regret this decision.

The Nelson Vale

Nelson Town

Nelson Cathedral

Their policy made me laugh....if the buildings swaying 'n' creaking I ain't sticking around to see the service out!

I went of course.

In my short time I visit the cathedral, choir practise was on so I discretely sneek into a little pew and tantalised my senses with the haunting angelic harmonies. It was special....like you have a calling to be there in that moment.

Next destination Franz Josef. This is where the glaciers on the west coast are found. On route we stop at Te Ruahuani, it has a national park with gorgeous coastal views. I loved this place.

Franz Josef puts a different a different slant on everything. It's like a deserted ski resort and when I arrive the sun is beaming over the snow capped mountains and glacier. My friend Lesley had told me about the glacier hike, I recall her showing me photos a few years back and said then I'd love to do it, but I ruled this out due to budget constraints. But on arrival I know I would be foolish to miss this opportunity of a lifetime and blow my budget in the first hour of arriving booking it (ah well chuck it in the *uck it bucket with everything else I think)!!

We get geared up, briefed and head off for the helicopter which flies you to the base of the glacier. The views from the skies with the roars of the rotating blades is both electrifying and mesmerising. We fit our clamp ons and head off with our poles in search of ice caves. Due to the hot day there were lots of falling ice boulders which could be seen and then heard a few seconds later with a rolling thunder like rumbling, it was really eerie seeing nature perform its magic. 

I fully emerged myself in the experience, whilst amused by a couple of young Irish lads at the back of the group with me. They were very funny and confided that one was to strip at the top of the climb maintaining his modesty with a cuddly toy mascot lion for a bet (they were on the rugby tour). I was watchman as they disappeared on said mission. They were lovely, polite and fun. If I wanted to be critical about the tour, it was a little gimmicky but It didn't detract anything from an overall great experience. The dip in the hot pools after was the cherry on the cake!

Franz Josef Main Street

Waiting for the helicopter

Here's my lift!

All cosy on board

Spectacular scenery from the glacier.....like a different world.

Ooh 40 degree hot pools mmmm heaven.

It's a beautiful morning and I set off on a lone local 5 mile hike through the rain forest (its a tempered rain forest not tropical of course). Everything's bright and crisp as I enjoy the warm rays with every stride. As I reach the mouth of the rain forest the atmosphere changes and as I enter the it feels strangely alive, sinister, like I'm seeing it through someone else's eyes....it's like walking the 'dark night of the soul'. Tree routes are raised and twisting across the path like screaming hands, broken branches strewn everywhere like fallen soldiers of time, undergrowth brown and dying from deprivation and starvation of light in the shadows of the stronger and more resilient upper foliage. Laser beams of sunlight shooting through the dense canopy forming pools of light like messages of hope for the dying. Dangling, trailing moss hanging from every strangulated branch. Dislodged rocks that once had a purpose kicked about, chipped and angled ...all scars of life. Wild deer cross the path stopping to stare directly into my eyes before sprinting away and the little wagtail birds following your path in search of insects churned up by my footsteps. The final viewing platform, a bridge over a whistling blue river of life smashing over rocks, diverting through challenges, nothing and nobody stopping its determination in it's inevitable destination back to source - one word AMAZING and unforgettable. 

Spooky!

All wrapped up toasty warm

The river of life

I later discover the rain forest in Franz Josef is protected and nothing can be changed. This is one of the few places in the world you can view surroundings like this which are exactly as they would have been when Dinosaurs roamed this planet....now c'mon that's frickin' awesome!

My final afternoon I head off kayaking on lake Mapourioka. It was still, dark and reflecting.....and raining! It was a small group of four...3 lovely young Danish girls and me. I was paired with ditsy but streetwise Ana ....this girl had me in stitches her wit and maturity were beyond her 20 years...I liked her very much but she'd drive you nuts after a while with her constant and relentless energy. I felt a bit sorry for the two cousins she'd latched on to....they were clearly struggling. Mike, the guide was the official nomad. Travelling for 15 years, doing yoga at sunrise, not wearing shoes, and living in the wilderness in a little hut with no electricity or running water.....he's a hero! His story, knowledge and experience is fascinating. The kayaking was great, the group were great and fully accepting of an 'oldie' tagging along....I really enjoyed this one. 

The forced pose....lovely Ana's modelling the new age blue rinse. 

Couple of randoms:

Owens worst nightmare!

Remember these....made me smile!

I warned you they're bonkers...FFS its June!!